Talking About the Body 2: Confessions

Yesterday I wrote about spirituality and the body, how we are impoverished when we worship only with the intellect and not the whole person.

It is tough, however, to engage in holistic, embodied worship (or living) when you hate your body.

I have hated my body. Sometimes my whole body, but more often certain aspects or parts of my body. I have considered myself too thin (highschool); too fat (current); too tall (airplanes); not tall enough (NBA); too sweaty (pick-up basketball games); too weak (no WWE career); too easily fatigued; too unattractive. I also have had my fair share of ongoing injuries and illnesses (foot, knee, back, wrist, gut) along with a hereditary heart condition that keeps me exhausted, often faint, and will eventually require surgery for me to live.

All of this contributes to a distrust in my body, tipping over at times to frustration, anger, and even self-loathing.

I would never speak to someone else about their body in the same way I have spoken to myself about my body. And I am aware it is a special pride to imagine that I should be immune to physical pains and limitations. I am further conscious of the fact that these pains and limitations are likely only going to increase rather than decrease as I grow older. The chances of me being drafted to play in the NFL are growing steadily slimmer, is what I am saying.

What to do? I have many people praying for my health, and I appreciate this and believe God works miracles of physical healing and restoration. But I suspect that putting all my eggs in that basket is not only unwise but unfaithful.

What if I am never healed? What if my body continues to break down, maybe even in debilitating ways, as it is sure to do as I grow older? What if I can never work out or run or play sports as I used to? Should I consider this a failure on God's or my part? Does it prevent me from holistic, incarnational worship and living?

I do love this line from the Common Prayer Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals, a prayer we have often prayed at our dinner table:

"Blessed be the feet of those whose bodies are too broken or weary to stand..."

Can I pray that over myself?

I would pray for meekness and contentment with my physical self. Not to descend into apathy, or to fail to care for it as a good gift from my Creator, and a good gift with which I can bless others. But not to despise my body, or to think that if my body is broken or otherwise imperfect it somehow reduces the blessing I can know and give.

Pray with me, if you would.